Morning Edition 2026-10-31 Price: Free, Obviously

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Fucking Stupid

A newspaper for the obvious

From the archive · 2026-10-31 ← Today's edition

Domestic Affairs

Eight Hundred Dollars Buys a Titanium Case for a Cartoon Beagle

It costs a good deal more than peanuts, and the Peanuts are the only reason to pay it.

By Hollis Carver

The Parlour

The Only Measurement in This Archive Is on the Ghost Page, and It Is a Fan

Seven rulings graded against the register: one refereed paper with a number in it, a founding document its own author withdrew in 1888, and a household finding that rests in part on a cartoon dog.

By Casimir Vane

The Kitchen Desk

Cook Carries Egg Up Mountain, Discovers Water Has Stopped Trying

Water boils cooler as you climb, so the seven minutes that produced a hard egg at the trailhead produces a raw one at the summit. The pot is not the problem. The sky is.

By R. Dunmore

The Kitchen Desk

Cook Discovers He Has Been Paying for Water He Already Owned

Stock is not a recipe. It is the refusal to throw out the parts of dinner that still have a job to do.

By R. Dunmore

The Parlour

Selected Zombie Readings, and the Sources Constance Tally Trusts Least

A reading list rather than an argument. Eight filings from the outbreak register that between them predict most of the other forty-five, and the secondary literature behind the first eighty years of it — where the popular sources are the ones to hold at arm's length.

By Constance Tally

From the Editor's Desk

A Note on Why This Paper Has No Breaking News, and Never Will

We do not cover what is new. We cover what was always true and somehow never written down. This is a policy, not an oversight.

By The Editor

Diversions · Puzzle of the Day

The Crossword

A gentle midweek crossword. Every clue is fair. Every answer exists.

Attempt it →

The Sections