Fucking Stupid

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The Ten Horror Films, Ranked Once and for All

Ten R-rated horror films, one joke apiece, ranked once and for all.

By Constance Tally The Parlour · The Lists 2026-10-26

Illustration · the unofficial raccoon

What’s a ghost’s favourite kind of film? Anything with plenty of boos. These ten are rated R: under seventeen, bring a parent.

The ten

  1. 1

    The Sixth Sense 1999

    Rated PG-13

    Why does Cole keep quiet about what he sees? He doesn't want to raise any spirits.

    Admitted by exemption. The board says PG-13. I see it differently.

  2. 2

    Halloween 1978

    Rated R

    Why doesn't Michael Myers get babysitting jobs any more? Terrible references.

  3. 3

    The Exorcist 1973

    Rated R

    Why did they send for two priests? One for the demon, one for the stairs.

  4. 4

    The Shining 1980

    Rated R

    The hotel's closed, the snow is deep, and Jack has promises to keep.

  5. 5

    A Nightmare on Elm Street 1984

    Rated R

    Why is Freddy so hard to beat? You just can't sleep on him.

  6. 6

    Scream 1996

    Rated R

    What's Ghostface's phone plan? Unlimited screams.

  7. 7

    The Texas Chain Saw Massacre 1974

    Rated R

    Why does Leatherface never get invited back to barbecues? He always brings the wrong kind of saw-sage.

  8. 8

    Alien 1979

    Rated R

    What did the chestburster say at dinner? Sorry, I've been bursting to meet you.

  9. 9

    The Thing 1982

    Rated R

    What's the Thing's favourite game? Copycat.

  10. 10

    Get Out 2017

    Rated R

    Why was the Armitages' tea so effective? It really stirred something up.

Poltergeist (PG) and The Ring (PG-13) were turned away from both lists, and that ruling is final. Ratings are the MPA’s. The family list is the Halloween ten.